On Thursday evening when Kyle came home, he brought in the mail. We ate dinner, watching Jeopardy as usual. At 8pm, I looked through the mail and noticed a card from my Grandma Burdick. I was surprised because I wasn’t expecting to receive a birthday card from her this year.

Just over a year ago, my grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer. She has been going through radiation and chemo treatments ever since. It has been an up and down battle. For the last few months she had been wearing an oxygen tube 24/7. I visited her a few weeks ago with my sister Mikealah, just to say hi.

I opened my birthday card from her and my phone started ringing. With the card in my hand, I answered the phone call, which was from my dad. He was surprised I answered my phone because I typically don’t hear my phone ringing because I always have it on the lowest volume setting and my purse muffles the sound. This night, I had my phone charging on the kitchen counter, so the ringing was louder. My dad proceeded to talk, “Grandma is” and the phone cut out. “I’m pretty sure he said “Grandma is…” I thought to myself as I called my dad back. My mind raced. Is grandma in the hospital?

I have been to the hospital a lot in the past year. Last year right before Easter my step-grandma, Mannah, had a heart attack and survived by nothing short of a miracle. Even the doctors said it was a miracle. I really thought she wasn’t going to make it, and I mourned for the loss of her while she was still alive. But she survived!

Then my Grandma Burdick went in the hospital later after she had had lung cancer for awhile. It was serious, but she survived as well. I felt that because God was keeping people alive, that it was not their time to go.

My dad answered the phone and he asked me what happened. I told him the phone cut off and I didn’t hear what he said. He told me Grandma is in the hospital. Her body is not accepting/using oxygen, and that her body was at about 30% of oxygen compared to what we’re supposed to have. He said she was in hospice. To tell the truth, I didn’t know what that was. I thought that meant critical care. But I found out later that it meant that they were simply keeping my Grandma comfortable until she died.

I told my dad that I would come to the hospital. I got off the phone and Kyle asked me what it was about. I couldn’t speak. I just continued to look at the birthday card that was still in my hand. Most likely the last birthday card I would ever receive from Grandma Burdick. Then Kyle knew and he came over and held me. I was frazzled and didn’t know what to do. I started packing things to stay the night at my dad’s. Then I decided I would just come home to sleep instead.

I was going to pick up my brother Ryan on Friday morning and take him to San Clemente to help my mom out with something, and to celebrate mother’s day with her, since she would be working on Sunday. So at this point, I was confused about what I was going to be doing. I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I didn’t know what my role was in everything that was happening. I try to just go where I’m needed, but if I’m needed in two places I get very frazzled, and I feel extremely torn and anxious.

Kyle and I drove to the hospital. I thought it would be on the 6th floor for critical care, but when we got to the 6th floor family waiting room, no one was there. I called my dad and he told me it was on the 7th floor, which was for oncology. They had my grandma in the special room where as many family members could be in there as we wanted. There were no rules for visiting like there would be for someone in critical care. Pretty much my whole dad’s side of the family was there. It was surreal. My grandma was in the bed asleep with her mouth (sans dentures) wide open, breathing (sometimes gasping for air).

There has always been a lot of drama on both my mom’s and dad’s side of my family. Different stuff from every direction. I’m not going to go into detail, but personally I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the lack of forgiveness. I’m sick of family members coming up against each other as enemies. I’m sick of the petty arguments. I’m sick of the selfishness and lack of compassion, even for those who do wrong, especially on accident.

What I want to say is that the devil is the enemy. It is not the other driver on the road who cuts you off. It is not the family member who betrays your trust. It is everyone against the devil and the devil wants us to think that we should be against each other. So we turn on each other.

The number on thing that will lead you to happiness and real joy is forgiveness. Worrying and the lack of forgiveness is what causes the most harm in this world.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:25-34)

“If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent—not to put it too severely. The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. Another reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything. Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.” (II Corinthians 2:5-11)

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)

“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” (Mark 11:25)

“Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.” (Luke 7:47)

“Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.” (Luke 17:4)

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”" (Matthew 18:21-22)

Messaged received?

He who holds grudges will never be free from the harm that was done to them.

I had a painful childhood. Many things happened that shouldn’t have, and many things that should have happened didn’t. I’m not saying my childhood was the worst in the world, but it was not easy. There was a lot of turmoil and I had to grow up fast. I also had to learn to forgive because otherwise I would never be able to fully live.

I’m a little pissed right now because many people in my family bring up the past so so so often and it is personal to me. Things that had happened to me as well, but that I had already forgiven. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to think about, but I personally have moved passed the past. I’m over it and I have moved on. I look toward the future because that is where my potential lies. That is where my hope is. My hope is not in erasing the past, but in forgiving the past and moving forward.

Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not just the forgiven. It releases the burden from the person who was wronged. The person no longer has to live in what happened, but can live in the now, and look toward the future with hope, joy, and peace.

The truth of the matter is that we are not enemies of each other. We should treat every other human as our brother, even when he is cutting us off on the freeway. Even when he steals our bike, or commits fraud on our credit. Even when he lives rent free off of his parents for a few years to get back on his feet. Woopdeedoo, get over it. Move on.

And please please understand that children should not be shunned because of what their parents did. Let them be free of the charge of what their parents have done, so that they can learn to live a life that was meant for them, and not be trapped into believing they have to be guilty by association, and therefore go down the same wrong path that their parents did.

For the love of mothers, let’s love one another. Because that is what our mothers would want. Our mothers want peace. And my grandma would have wanted peace.

It is time for a change. It is time to forgive and get over it. It is time to love one another unconditionally, just as God loves us. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, and yet He still died for us and forgives us of our sins, even though we don’t deserve it. Then shouldn’t we too, do nothing less than forgive everyone of their wrongdoings as well?

My grandma passed away on Friday morning. I kind of didn’t think it was going to happen. People kept ending up in the hospital and surviving, so I just thought it was possible this time too. I am still in shock as I write this.

I celebrated mother’s day with my mom on Friday, and I didn’t tell anyone on that side of my family that my grandma had passed away. I didn’t want to ruin it and I couldn’t find the right time (which is good because I found out later that my dad wanted to be the one). I knew they would all be very upset, because my grandma was a lovely person to all she came in contact with. My mom is my grandma’s ex-daughter-in-law, yet, she still has always sent her cards for all holidays (including mother’s day) because my mom is the mother of 3 of her grandchildren. And my grandma also always remembered my older siblings born of my mom, but with a different dad. She never forsaked them. She also included my other grandparents and remembered them for holidays as well. Now every single person my grandma has come in contact with will no longer receive her cards. The cards that she spent ample time picking out specifically for each individual, unique for each person. She would scour the cards until she found just the right one, and if she didn’t find it, she would go to a different store.

That birthday card is the last card I will receive from my grandma. And I can’t help but feel special that it was probably the last card she ever sent to anyone. I keep all cards people give me, but if I didn’t normally, I would definitely keep this one.

My grandma had a difficult life. She was a strong woman. And she forgave the wrongs that were done to her. She left this life burden-free. My birthday card with the butterflies and daisies sits here on my desk, and I will look at it and remember to forgive and remain strong, no matter what the circumstances.

I am joyful about my grandma because I know she is now with our Father in heaven and will no longer suffer, ever. She now gets to experience eternal peace.

Remember to forgive, appreciate, and love one another, especially our mothers, who carried us in their wombs for about 9 months, and gave us life. No matter what life we were given, WE WERE GIVEN LIFE, and there is no greater gift than that. So stop holding the grudges. Say sorry. Say you love her, and say you appreciate her, even if it is just for one thing. It is much easier to go through life loving than it is to hold on to every harm that’s been done to you. Take the burden off yourself and off everyone else and forgive and love no matter what.

Happy Mother’s Day!